In 2000, a survey conducted by the US Census Bureau revealed that there were 1.6 million adopted children under the age of 18 in the country. The number has been gradually increasing, with over 6,000 children adopted in 2010 and around 9,000 in 2012. The steady increase in the number of domestic and international adoptions by American couples, single moms and single dads calls for attention on the issues faced by adoptive families. Among several other issues, the most sensitive one faced by the families is how to tell your children they are adopted.

How to start talking 

Parents often face the dilemma of deciding the right time to tell children about their adopted status. Psychologists believe this is not a one time job; rather it is a gradual process and can take years for adopted children to get used to the fact that their adopted status has no bearing on their parents’ love for them. Therefore, the process should ideally begin at an early age of a child – let’s say, two or three years old. Even if the child does not understand what adoption is, he/she should be familiar with the word that may help break the taboo.

The whole idea of this early exercise is to create an air of ease and familiarity with the concept of adoption for the kids. However, it is more likely during late teen and early adolescence that kids start to question about their adoption, particularly about their biological parents. This is a time when teens are exploring different aspects of life to create an identity of their own. They will be curious about their biological parents, reasons for adoption and what lies ahead for them. It is highly likely that their world may get topsy turvy and they feel insecure in relationship with their adoptive parents. To avoid such a disaster, parents should be open and direct about their children’s adopted status. They should ensure children of their love and importance in the family.

Prepare yourself for the questions

Once a child finds out about his/her adoption, a barrage of questions will open up in no time. It’s time that you should know how to talk to kids about adoption.

• Do not indulge in any ugly details about their birth parents. Keep it simple, so that kids can understand.
• Emphasize that your love for them is as strong and selfless as any birth parents’.
• Show your teens pictures from their childhood to explain how important their adoption is to you.
• Do not give them all the details in one go. Give your teens time to absorb before you explain any harsh truths.
• Be prepared for any surprised reaction from your teen. They may go quiet or react violently to the news.
• Be sensitive towards their condition. They will be upset, confused and will ask lots of questions.
• Be patient and polite with them. Your teen may want to talk about their adoption again and again. Never stop them.
• If talking about adoption is hard for you, try not to show this to your teen.
• Tone down the harsh truths of adoption, but never lie to your teen.
• During your talks, do not get distracted by phone calls or any other chores. Give your child full attention.
• It is highly recommended that you prepare yourself before talking with your teen.

Adopted children are raised in the image of their adoptive parents. No matter how close the bond exists between them, finding out about adoption may change a few things for the children. However, as adoptive parents you can create a positive environment for teens to understand their adoption and form an identity.